The Valley of Humiliation

Back in elementary school, at some point I think everyone had the teacher who thought it would be good to give the class a practical lesson on peer pressure. This wise, learned, puffed up recent college graduate would ask an unsuspecting student to go to the office to perform some menial task. While the student was out, the lesson would be put in motion as the remaining students were told that when little Billy (or Susan) returned, everyone needed to just stare at them without saying anything. Just stare.

Particularly bold educators would tell the students to laugh but with no explanation.

The Billy (or Susan) would return, deeply perturbed by this sudden interest in him (or her), and try to play it off in some way, and the teacher would wisely let them sit in their discomfort until the lesson was sufficiently portrayed. They would explain to Billy/Susan that this was an exercise meant to show the strength of feedback and the class would resume, the lesson continued, and everyone having learned a cool new party trick to try out on another unsuspecting person.

There are certain experiments that had been conducted that produced foundations to the social psychology field that, accordingly to APA ethics, cannot be replicated today. They produced too much psychological harm on the participants of the study and had to be scrapped. After all, what good is it to find better ways to treat trauma if you traumatize unsuspecting volunteers in the process.

I know this lesson is supposed to (in a powerful way) first-hand show students the power of bullying. I know that when I was the kid sent out of the room, the teachers explanation did little to help me actually feel better. What I learned was that my whole class was alright with making me feel horrible if the teacher gave them permission. What I learned was to laugh something off even when I felt deeply embarrassed. What I learned was how quickly my mind could run through every single potential flaw people might see and judge. What I learned was that I am easily exposed.

I also learned that every other person who was that kid has a bond between them. They remember what it is to be the butt of the joke. Everyone remembers the joke, the kids remember what it feels to be a butt.

(As a side note, my teacher did not tell me to leave the room. I had to use the restroom, and he used that as an advantage. Shit-and/or-pee remains was one of the first things that came into my mind)

I don't know if I have a lesson or easy saying at the end of this. Sometimes we feel exposed, and all people have built defenses and rules to get this within our control. I think we need to feel like we're in control of what people think and feel about us, but that seems arbitrary to me. It also limits the times we can be surprised.

I think even if we were completely at ease with ourselves we would want to limit the ways in which we feel exposed. It's dangerous to be humble without prudence and discretion.

I think it's necessary to be humble though, at least for intimacy. Probably for other things too. But, for me, even taking time to write this is to invite criticism and an opportunity for humiliation.

That's all I've got right now.